Recently, Linkedin updated their Privacy Policy and User Agreement. It’s only 13 pages of single spaced legal jargon with multiple links for “more information” so it should only take you and your attorney 6 weeks to comprehend…but I’ll save you the trouble. In summary it says: We own your data. We share your information with whomever we damn well please. And “If you object to any changes, you may close your account”. BTW, this is a pretty good representation of what we agree to when using every ap, service and site on the internet. Below are some paraphrased cliff notes (my comments in CAPS) and the entire boilerplate of alphabet soup can be found here.

Privacy Policy

Consent

If you use our Services, you consent to the collection, use and sharing of your personal data under this Privacy Policy (which includes our Cookie Policy and other documents referenced in this Privacy Policy) and agree to the User Agreement. FROM HERE IT’S PRETTY MUCH ALL OPT-OUT.

1. Information we collect

1.2 Information from others

We receive personal data about you when others import or sync their address book or calendar with our Services, or send messages using our Services. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SHARE THIS INFO, BE SURE AND TELL ALL 1293 OF YOUR CONTACTS NOT TO SYNC THEIR ADDRESS BOOK W/ YOU IN IT.

1.6 Messages

If you communicate through our Services, we learn about that. We also use automatic scanning technology on messages. I THINK THIS MEANS THEY READ OUR EMAILS.

2. How We Use Your Data

2.1 Productivity

We scan messages to provide “bots” that facilitate tasks such as scheduling meetings, draft responses, summarize messages or recommend next steps. THIS MEANS ROBOTS WILL BE DISPATCHED BY LINKEDIN TO ASSIST YOU IN YOUR DAY TO DAY TASKS BUT SECRETLY BE RECORDING YOUR ACTIONS AND LEARNING YOUR JOB SO THAT IT CAN TAKE IT FROM YOU… I THINK.

2.4 Advertising

We will show you ads called sponsored content which look like similar non-sponsored content, except that they are labeled ads or sponsored. SO SPONSORED CONTENT IS AN ADVERTISEMENT DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE REGULAR CONTENT (NON-SPONSORED CONTENT). WE WILL LABEL THEM AS ADS ANYWAY.

If you like, comment or share on these ads, your action is associated with your name and viewable by others. YOUR LIKENESS WILL BE COP-OPTED BY THE ADVERTISER SO THAT THE AD WILL BE MORE WELL RECEIVED BY THOSE IN YOUR NETWORK.

2.4 Ad Choices

We adhere to self-regulatory principles for interest-based advertising and participate in industry opt outs from such ads. SELF REGULATION… THE SAFEST, BEST, MOST RELIABLE KIND!

If you click on an ad, the ad poster will know you visited the page that you clicked on. PLEASE NOTE, AN AD POSTER IS NOT A BILLBOARD OR A POSTER WITH ARTWORK ON IT. IT IS THEY WHO POST AN AD.

4. Your Choices and Obligations

4.2 Rights To Access and Control Your Personal Data

We offer access to the personal data we have about you. YOU OFFER ME ACCESS TO DATA ABOUT ME?! OMG YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.

4.3 Account Closure

We keep some of your data even after you close your account. OMG YOU GUYS ARE SO NOT COOL. I WANT IT BACK …. ITS MINE!

5. Other Important Information

5.1. Security

We cannot warrant the security of any information that you send us. There is no guarantee that data may not be accessed, disclosed, altered, or destroyed by breach of any of our physical, technical, or managerial safeguards. SHOOT!!

User Agreement

3. Rights and Limits

3.1. Your License to LinkedIn

You own all of the content, feedback, and personal information you provide to us, but you also grant us a non-exclusive license to it. WE BOTH OWN IT.

4. Disclaimer and Limit of Liability

4.2 Exclusion of Liability

These are the limits of legal liability we may have to you…. LINKEDIN IS NEVER NEGLIGENT AND THEREFORE CAN NEVER BE FOUND LIABLE.

7. General Terms

If a court with authority over this Contract finds any part of it not enforceable, you and us agree that the court should modify the terms to make that part enforceable while still achieving its intent. IF A COURT INTERPRETS CERTAIN ASPECTS OF THIS AGREEMENT OTHER THAN THE WAY LINKEDIN INTENDED THEM TO BE INTERPRETED, IT DOESN’T MATTER.