Mark Vader and His Heavily Armed Alien Drone Robot War Machines from the Future Threaten to Melt the Brains of all Verto Employees!
Earlier in the week it was announced that Verto Analytics found Facebook usage to be in FREEFALL, with users in the United States spending an average of 18 hours and 24 minutes each month as compared to an average of 32 hours and 43 minutes in 2016. The average Facebook user logged in 173 times in October 2017, compared with 311 in October 2016. But a funny thing happened. Verto quickly amended their findings saying that it had changed its methodology in a way that made year-to-year comparisons not possible.
Verto Analytics touts “apples-to-apples measurement and deep understanding of consumer behavior and mindsets.” So how could they have gotten the comparison so wrong?! Mark Zuckerberg threatened to kill Verto… that’s how. And I don’t mean purchase the company and then dismantle it piece by piece… I mean MURDER every single employee, unless they retracted the research which had put Facebook in such an unfavorable light. I’ve heard this was true from numerous reputable sources and not only that but the lengths he went to in order for his plan to succeed is nothing short of incredible. According to reports, he used secret time travel technology to go into the future, fly at warp speed to the Andromeda galaxy, create a social media platform for an alien civilization in exchange for robotic war machines of hideous mass maiming ability, fly back to earth, time travel back to now, clone himself and all the alien drone robot warriors from the future and use molecular disintegration slash re-incineration fields with GPS guidance to instantaneously appear with himself (allegedly dressed as Darth Vader) flanked by his alien robot warriors from the future at the foot of the bed of each Verto employee at precisely 1:23am ensuring them that their brains would be melted unless they quickly “fix” their report.
I swear this is what I heard from very reputable sources. But let’s keep this Brain Melting stuff to ourselves, ok ?
