…is to never hear the song “All I Want For Christmas Is You” ever again. What is it with this song? There has to be some sort of conspiracy to ruin my Holiday every year. Why does 1 song deserve so much airplay? I mean, there are plenty of others that deserve at least a bite into Mariah’s share of the collective Christmas soundtrack. But this … It’s inescapable. When I wake up its playing on the alarm clock. When I push down a slice of bread in the toaster it starts to play again. I shake my head vigorously, knowing that it’s all in my head, until it stops… but only temporarily before turning on the radio in the shower. Later, it’s on in the car during the drive to work and when I get there, my coworker smiles, waves and says “good morning”. But I watch in confusion as if they are in suspended animation with the only sound coming out of their motionless mouth, “I won’t make a list and send it to the North Pole for Saint Nick, I won’t even stay awake to hear those magic reindeer click”. Then, time begins ticking again and I realize it’s playing at their workstation. It all seems impossible. Surreal. I’m growing paranoid. As I shop it plays in the stores. Walking down the street it’s blaring from loudspeakers strapped to lamp posts. It dominates the billboards in Times Square. In the cabs. In my dreams. Please
At this point I’d voluntarily submit to Medieval Torture devices if it meant I’d never hear it again. Pick one. Any one…. Just please I beg of you stop playing that song. Lock me in an Iron Maiden. The metal tomb of spikes would be a welcome reprieve from all sound, if that’s what it takes. Even after my legs gave out and I slumped hopelessly into a wall of metal spikes, I’d be fine. As long as you promised I’d never hear it again. I will nestle happily into a Brazen Bull; a hollowed out iron bull that locks victims inside while a fire is lit beneath its belly. But here’s the deal… If I survive the slow-cooking, I get to live the rest of my life free of Mariah Carey Christmas audio. The Rack? It doesn’t scare me one bit. As I lay stretched like a piece of spaghetti, I might thank you. With each tendon pop you’d hear me exclaim “give it another crank old chap!” – just as long as that terrible, stupid, awful, horrendous, dumb, unbearable song is wiped from the face of the Earth. With every dunk in the river by a Ducking Stool I’d attempt to make you a deal while gasping for air. ‘Gather the entire town and have them partake in the fun by throwing stones’.… IF you could promise me I’d never hear it again AND have me UN-hear it, as if
I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I won’t even wish for snow. All I want is to wake up in a world where the most celebrated, downloaded, lucrative, played, record setting, international smash hit Christmas song is Feliz Navidad.