Watching Chopped on the Food Network is gut wrenching. I love to cook so I cant even imagine how much it must hurt these professional Chef’s to be blasted week in and week out by the judges. They’re really ratcheting up the humiliation too! I can just image what I’ll hear next week:

“Too much okra! Drop him in the piranha tank. If you can catch them with your bare hands and fry them, we’ll spare you elimination.”

“The mac and cheese skirt steak rollups are underdone and the coating on the crust is not one bit flavorful, Tear off his limbs!”

“Separate starches are very concerning. I hope you can live with yourself after we dip your face in hot oil and rub it with the cheese grater you should have used.”

“We think your flavor is great but due to the poor decision to add cobbler cheese, you need to be thrown from an airplane with nothing but your burnt pots and pans in a parachute.”

“Nashville sweet potato ice cream spicy chicken skin raspberry molasses custard hot paste gelato buttermilk biscuits??!! How uncreative and lame is that!? Behead him with a butter knife!!!”

“Raspberry shortcake for desert? That’s it? Ha!! If you managed your time right and added hot sauce golden raisins and fried chicken, maybe we wouldn’t have to humiliate you on national television. But we will. Tar and feather her. Then ‘Cluck’ like a chicken and go home.”

“Your desert.. what can I say, now that I’ve thrown it up everywhere? The paprika fruit relief is dry and fresh orange peel pate is not only disgusting but a pathetic concept. You’ll be given 5 minutes to make me something moist and delicious using raw eggs, peach pits, and a taco kit. If you fail, you must face the pineapple air cannon!”

“Your lettuce wraps rocked my world but could have benefited from something sweet on the plate. Since you clearly have no idea what you’re doing, I’ll spare you. Just get out of my face.”

“Your arugula dish is a hot mess. Where’s the crunch factor!!!?? IDIOT! Tie him up, wrap his head in wet towels and banish him to the walk in freezer.”

“Chicken truffle sausage w banana and pecorino cheese?!!? So bad. I expected more from you. Make enough for 100 people and eat it all yourself. Hopefully you will explode, but if you don’t, we’ll give you one more chance to wow us.”

“Your stuffed pepper vinaigrette really punched up the flavor…. nice work. You get to operate the pineapple air cannon!”